Ten Rules To Live By

My son left for medical school today. From this point forward he's pretty much on his own. He's rented an apartment, obtained financing for the next 4 years of his life, and while he'll be back on occasion, when he's here, he'll be a "visitor". A couple of weeks ago we took a motorcycle trip together to the Finger Lakes region of upstate New York. We spent 3 days together riding, talking, sightseeing, and just being together. When he left early this morning I handed him an envelope containing the following message. I hope you find parts of it useful for when your children strike out on their own.

Dear Dan,

I will never forget the trip we took together to Skaneateles. Spending those 3 days with you meant a lot to me, and I will remember it always – especially our adventure running out of gas in the middle of a thunderstorm! I will also never forget the look of wonder and excitement on your face as we walked – 200 ft. below the surface at Howe Caverns. You are still excited by the discovery of new things, and the wonders of the world. Please never lose that.

Now you will be off building a place for yourself in the world. I know you’re excited and perhaps a little scared as well. There are a lot of unknowns out there. You are leaving the comfort of your childhood home where you’ve always felt secure and protected. But know that we love you more than words could ever express, and know that no matter what happens, your mom and I will always be here for you. That is one thing in your life that will never change. But you will be fine. You are building on a rock-solid base of a loving and supportive family, and a sound moral compass. You are hard working, intelligent, and compassionate – qualities that will serve you well no matter what you do, but are especially valuable in medicine. I have no doubt of your success. I’m looking forward to watching you continue to weave the tapestry of your life as each new person, each new experience, each new success and each new failure get woven in as bright new threads. I wonder what this tapestry will look like 1, 5, 10 years from now and even beyond. I can’t wait to see it unfold before my eyes.

Of course, no communication from me would ever be complete without some form of long-winded speech right? So not to disappoint, I have some advice:

Dad’s top ten rules for life (Not in any particular order).

1. Treat everyone with respect. Each of us were put on this earth for a purpose, and are loved equally by our Creator – no different than the way your mother and I love our children. It doesn’t matter if the person is a maintenance worker, or a drug addict, a doctor, or a corporate president. We are all the same in God’s eyes. Never forget that, and always treat others with the respect and attention they deserve as a child of God.

2. Take time to listen. Make every person you talk to feel important – when they are talking to you they should have your full and undivided attention. Be genuinely interested in the person. As a guideline, ask more questions about them than they ask about you. As a doctor, this will distinguish you from the masses of other docs out there who see people as an illness or a set of symptoms. As a person, you will be the better for it.

3. Nurture your relationships. It’s easy to take the constants in our lives for granted. Be sure that you treat your relationships with your sisters, your brothers-in-law, your niece and nephew, your friends, your associates and with your girlfriend like a cherished flower garden. It’s beautiful now, but if you don’t water it, feed it, and pull out the weeds when they spring up, some of those beautiful plants you have will wither, and some may even die.

4. If I could give you only one piece of advice it would be this: Live your life “In The Moment”. Learn from your past, plan and make provisions for your future, but don’t waste a minute of your day in regret over past mistakes, or being anxious about something that might happen in the future. Most important of all, don’t let your happiness depend on something in the future. “I’ll be happy when…” should never be a part of your lexicon. Live your life fully engaged in what is happening or what you are doing right now. If you are playing, don’t ruin your enjoyment thinking about that assignment that is due, or that you need to do the laundry - focus on the playing…right now…. If you are studying, or working, or doing the laundry, don’t bring suffering on yourself by thinking about how you’d rather be doing this, or that. Suffering is the result of resisting/fighting reality. If you are working, studying, etc. then accept the reality of it rather than bringing suffering to yourself by resenting (resisting) that reality.

5. Develop critical thinking skills and apply them to everything, and everyone – including yourself. Critical thinking is a broad subject. There are college courses on it. But basically it all boils down to this: “Question Authority”. Never accept anything at face value or just because someone says it – including your professors and your own beliefs and prejudices. When reading an article or paper, ask yourself: what are the sources? Are the sources reliable? What experiments were done? Were there proper controls? Were they peer reviewed and replicated? Sometimes “facts” when subjected to critical thinking, turn out to be only opinions. When being presented with a fact question: “What makes you believe that?”, and ask other probing questions to help you determine if the “fact” is based on empirical evidence, or is simply a purely subjective view based on pretty much nothing. Question your own beliefs and prejudices too. “Why do I dislike this person? Is it because s/he is (take your pick)? “What makes me think this?”.

6. Be confident, not arrogant: Never be too proud to admit you were wrong, and never be too smart to listen to someone else’s view or opinion and to seriously consider it.

7. Practice Balance in your life: The saying “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” is true. MAKE time to exercise, to read, to play the guitar, to be around interesting people – to just chill.

8. Give of yourself: It is not all about you! Take time to help someone in need – like that kid who helped us out on Monday when you ran out of gas. Like when you do the dishes for mom, or pick up the kitchen, or planted grass in the yard for me.

9. Say Please and Thank You. The world – and life - owes you nothing. Be genuinely thankful every day for every blessing in your life, and understand that life can take it all away from you, anytime it chooses. Never become attached to “things”. “Things” are not important. “Things” can be replaced. What’s important …what you will leave behind…your legacy….will be the impact you will have on the lives you touch. Make – and leave behind many positive impacts, and many wonderful memories.

10. It’s all in your mind! Your inner thoughts, attitudes and beliefs make your reality. Every one of the “rules” above get down to this. It’s all about how you perceive the world, and everything and everyone in it. If you believe it is hostile, hostility will find you. If you believe it is rich with caring, helpful people, then caring helpful people will come your way. What you seek you will find, and what you believe will come to be.

Now go out and do some good!